Insane Major League Baseball Player Milton Bradley was once a child like you and me. We at Style Points have decided it is our duty to uncover seminal moments in intriguing athletes’ life and share them with the world. This here is the tale of a young Milton Bradley. *Everything in this post should be regarded as factual and by no means should be taken as fiction.

Little Milton: Oh dear father, thank you for taking me to this magical world of sea creatures and happiness! Seals, sharks and meadow larks I am excited!

Father Bradley: Milton my good son, what would you like to see first?

Little Milton: Why of course you know what I want to see. Only the most mighty and magnificent water mammal known to human kind! The versatile, opportunistic 9 ton predator of the sea, ready to strike and tear human flesh from limb at the slightest inkling at human savagery? Ready to devour a sea lion, walrus, or even a Great White Shark when the pangs of hunger rise? Why yes I would be honored to be presented with the opportunity to stand in the midst of the mighty SHAMU, chancellor of the ocean’s roar!!!!!!

Father Bradley: Alrighty then young chap, I think you’re ready. Let’s mosey on over to the…chancellor of the ocean’s roar, why don’t we.

Little Milton: It would make my life complete! I can’t wait to see this magnificent killing machine through my own vision receptacles. Those ‘handlers’ won’t know what hit ‘em.

Father Bradley: (quizzical look) Uhh, if you say so. Let’s  find our seats.

/show starts

Little Milton: Finally, the pinnacle of my young life is nigh!

/Shamu flips

Little Milton: Unbelievable!

/Shamu dives

Little Milton: Such grace!

/Shamu twirls

Little Milton: This must be the opulent warmup before he takes on his sumptuous trainer treat!

/Shamu balances trainer on nose

Little Milton: Oh good gracious me the moment of grandeur is upon us!!! The emasculant Shamu will now demonstrate nature’s might by striking down the king of the castle, the homosapien. KILL KILL KILLLLLLL!!!!!!!!

/Shamu lets down trainer gracefully, show ends

Little Milton: …..

what.

Father Bradley: Son, did you expect a Shamu induced bloodbath? (laughs) The trainers don’t get eaten! They’re here to get Shamu to do petty tricks at the orca’s expense.

Little Milton: BITCH SAY WHAT.

Father Bradley: Yeah, Shamu is tamed, captivated and harmless.

Little Milton: WHAT. THE. COCKSPLITTING MOTHER HUMPING FUCKITY SHIT FUCK!?!! I THOUGHT THIS WHOLE SHAMU FIASCO WAS CALIFORNIA’S PENAL CODE IN MOTION? A DEATH ROW IF YOU WILL?

THEY USE THESE MAGNIFICENT KILLING MACHINES NOT FOR THEIR DESIGNATED TASK ON THIS FINE MOTHER EARTH, KILLING HELPLESS HUMANS, BUT TO ENTERTAIN OUR SHITTY SELVES WITH MENIAL HALF TWISTS AND BELLY FLOPS?

Father Bradley: Now…calm down so-

Little Milton: URGE TO KILL AT AN APEX, YOU WEAK, LYING HUMAN WASTE.

Father Bradley: Wait, didn’t your mother show you Free Willy? The happy whale who saved a kid from kidnappers or something?

Little Milton: NO, I’VE BEEN READING WIKIPEDIA, YOU COCK INHABITING FEMALE CREVICE SNIFFER. AND ON THAT SITE IT TOLD ME SHAMU WOULD DEVOUR IT’S HELPLESS TRAINER IN A FERAL BEAST MODE OF THRASHING TEETH AND BLOODLUST.

IF I DON’T SEE A MAN DIE IN THE NEXT 30 TO 40 SECONDS THERE WILL BE BLOOD ON MY FINGERTIPS.

FUCK IT, I’M GOING TO MURDERIZE THAT PIECE OF SHIT WASTE OF NATURE’S GIFT ‘KILLER’ WHALE SHAMU.

/searches for weapon

/rips off hand rail

/jumps into water

/beats living shit out of helpless Shamu

DIE YOU STUPID FUCKING IMPOSTER WHALE DIE

/kicks lifeless Shamu in crotch

MLB scout: /watches in wonder with wife (thinks) Man, that psychotic kid has some amazing bat speed. I wonder what his name is?

Little Milton: (eyes glazed over, turns to father) AND WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NAME ME AFTER THOSE FUCKS WHO CREATED THAT SHITFEST MONOPOLY? MILTON BRADLEY? HUH? SERIOUSLY? YOU THINK THATS HIL-ARIOUS? DID YOUR COCAINE RAVAGED SYNAPSES FLARE THE MINUTE I WAS BORN AND YOU NAMED ME THE FIRST THING CAME TO YOUR HEAD? LITTLE THIMBLES HOPPING AROUND CARDBOARD BASED OFF OF ATLANTIC CITY WHORE VILLES?  SHITTY JOKES WILL BE MADE OF ME FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY!!

/kills dad with a mighty power swing

MLB scout: Ah, got his name. Sweet.

/Little Milton flees the scene, never to be heard of again

Until…

/10 years later

PA: Batting third for YOUR Cleveland Indians….MILTON BRADLEY!!!!!!

Grown Up Milton: The ball’s a whale. The ball’s a whale. The Manager’s a- wait. The ball’s a whale.

MLB scout: I’m glad nobody arrested that lil feller. Good thing I blamed it on my asshole wife.

/pats self on back