Style Points

The Style Points Mailbag: Volume I by ClintonPortishead


Welcome to the Style Points mailbag, where the festering questions of our ever-growing readership are met with derision, flatulence, and occasional humor. If you have a question that you’d like answered with style (or can figure out how to make our dicks bigger), please email us at On to the answers!

Would you rather be stuck on a deserted island but have air-conditioned lodging with running water or stuck with zero lodging but five attractive women of your choosing? Also who’s your five?

-Manuel P., Boca Raton FL

Manuel, Manuel, this is a simple question. Running water, air-conditoning, who gives a fuck? A blowjob is Nature’s air-conditioning. What do you need running water for if you’re on a deserted island? Gonna wash your dishes and make some lemonade, Nancy? The only reason men wash their nuts at all is because women have nostrils. Besides, if you’re on a island, then you have nature’s toilet all around you. Wade two feet in, pop a squat, and hope a hermit crab doesn’t turn your ballsack into a bungee cord. Of course you take the women.

Now, for the reasons just mentioned, you’re gonna have to get yourself some real classy ladies who won’t mind your unwashed netherparts. I’m thinking Angelina Jolie (bat-shit crazy), Julia Roberts (fucked Lyle Lovett), Kate Hudson (has most assuredly been teabagged by Matthew McConaughey), Pamela Anderson (you think Tommy Lee bathes?) and Lindsay Lohan (bitch wouldn’t know where she was anyways). Though you better find a way to fashion some home-made condoms out of bamboo leaves or some shit, unless your deserted island is in Canada and comes with free hepatitis treatment.

What sports/pop culture related name would you give a race horse? I have $10,000 to burn and a complete lack of creativity.

-Eamonn McC., Dublin IRE

Well, since you’re an Irishman, you should just name your horse Three Week Bender, since that’s what you’re always on anyways. But to answer your question, I’ll give you a Top Ten List:

10. Retired-Unretired-Retired-Unretired-Retired-Unretired Brett

9. I Love Schadenfreudesjp

8. Roger Clemen’s Forehead Ear

7. Lindsay Lohan

6. Ohbuthe’sjustakidoutthere!

5. A Mark Madsen Slowdance

4. Fade Into Bolivian

3. McCarver’s Logic

2. Seriously Though, Brett Favre is A Giant Pussy

1. Miss Matthew Broderick

Though considering I’m planning on naming my own horse “Dog Food & Glue,” I may not be the right person to ask. Best of luck, Drunky.

What if Michael Vick is not allowed back in the NFL? What do you think his career options are?

-Susan Q., Bemidji MN

Well, it’s a good thing you asked me that Susan, for I’m also a part time former-dogfighting-syndicate-mastermind rehabilitation counselor. Michael Vick would be a model employee at any number of locations: with his surly demeanor, lack of personal responsibility and total disregard for suffering, the Department of Motor Vehicles would be a natural fit.Hepit-bull also has experience with license plates, shivs, and herpes, a feat more commonly known as the “DMV Triple Crown.” I guarantee that within weeks of his hiring, departmental inefficiencies will come to a standstill [on a rape stand] and the office will be aglow with a positive outlook [and fresh dog carcasses]. Unruly customers will be forced to fight to the death, and the winner may then have his license renewed, unless he suffered grievous injury or won unconvincingly, in which case he will be hanged and potentially electrocuted [much as it was before, really].

Other career paths include gym teacher, life coach, Olympic bobsledder, PETA spokesman, professional dice player, Blaxploitation movie star, licensed proctologist, sports blogger, Marcus Vick impersonator, and Ambassador to Mexico.

Who do you think would come more in handy in event of a zombie invasion: Kimbo Slice or Bear Grylls?

-Andre G., Atlanta GA

Finally, a question with some real world application. Everyone knows that Zombie Attack is the fourth largest threat to humanity (behind superAIDS, High School Musical, and the Mayan Doomsday Prophecy) yet public forums on who will lead us in these circumstances are woefully infrequent. If you’re thinking in terms of raw power and zombie smashing abilities, Kimbo Slice would definitely be the choice – especially if he has access to a chainsaw, or a pick-up truck.

However, the game of zombie brain defense is often times a mental one, and the cunning and adaptability of “Man vs. Wild” guru Bear Grylls cannot be overvalued. Why, in just a few hours, he’d be able to show how to use your parachute chords (who knows why you’d have parachute cords, just work with him here) into an effective undead hunting lasso, and demonstrate how to build a makeshift structure out of the severed grotesque limbs of your re-animated-and-now-once-again-deceased former friends and neighbors (zombie attack or not, noone likes to sleep in the rain). Then he’d probably drink his own piss, just to intimidate them. Between that and Kimbo Slice knocking their brainthirsty blocks off with homeless haymakers, there is no wrong answer. In fact, I’m removing the either/or aspect from this question and supplementing my response into an action buddy film starring the two. Look for The Bum and the Brit in theatres this Fall.


5 Comments so far
Leave a comment

“Theatres”? We spell it “theaters” here in America fucko. What a bunch of flaming homos…

Comment by LittleWaynesBleedingHead

Well thanks, think i’ll fit in just fine around here. Good luck guys (me and Chuck are still going to rip you apart in the comments).

Comment by LittleWaynesBleedingHead

LWBH eats flaming homos for breakfast!

Comment by Shakεy

That’s true, i’ve seen him do it

Comment by LittleWaynesBleedingHead

Buddy-action-zombie film? Sign me up!

Comment by K-Gun

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