Style Points


How It Happened: Tiger Woods by Shakεy

zoltorgmexicanEveryone knows Tiger Woods is the best golfer in the universe. But no one ever asks why? His black-thai blood is the most improbable racial combination to ever hit the world of golf. So I’m here to uncover the real reason Tiger has an otherworldly ability to hit a ball into a hole. You really think it was his dad’s tutorials? This post is based upon cold hard facts and should never ever be questioned under any circumstances. If you do, I’ll send my Mexican friend Zoltorg after you. 

…in a space ship far above the Earth’s atmosphere…

Zoltorg the Malevolent: Look at those douchebag humans, acting all prim and proper with their running water and proper hygiene. Let’s play a prank on them.

Fukok: Well what do you want us to do, oh holy Zoltorg?

Zoltorg: They have this sport ruled by colorless communicative beings where they hit an equally colorless dimpled spheroid with a metal rod across green sprouts until they deposit said spheroid into a small indentation on the planet’s surface. Between wackings they travel in an odd vehicular contraption powered by something obsolete they refer to as ‘electricity’. The winner gets a phallus trophy. We’re gonna fuck their shit up.

Fukok: Oh.

Zoltorg: Find me an oddly colored infant.

Fukok: /returns with baby Eldrick Woods
liltiger

Fukok: I found this weird black-thai mix. His name is Eldrick. Is that good enough?

Zoltorg: Perfect. And so begins project Tiger. We’re going to replace his brain with a robot human simulator with exceptional spheroid hitting skills and his biceps with twin pistons of fury. His calf muscles will be pure titanium and his penis a salamander(for kicks and giggles). We’ll fuck up their white supremist status quo by creating the ultimate golf monster that’s not caucasion. It will blow their minds. They won’t know what hit ’em.

From now on, oddly colored infant, you will be known as Tiger and your only goal in life will be to destroy all whities in the game of golf. Oh yeah, and to impregnate Swedish models. TAKE THAT HUMANS!!!!!!

Tiger Woods: Must hit ball in hole. AAAARRCK.

alientiger
/hole in one

Zoltorg: Good, good! Now let’s send this little fucker back to Earth. Jack Nicklaus is gonna be PISSED! Golden Bear my ass. He couldn’t spear a salmon with Poseiden’s fuckin’ Trident!

Fukok: Master, we have succeeded. What’s next?

Zoltorg: I think I’ll assemble the shittiest band in the history of the universe. And make them POPULAR!!!! I shall call them Smash Mouth.

…20 years later…

Zoltorg: Fukok, you hear that? You don’t think it’s…

Fukok: SPACE RABBITS!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Zoltorg: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I NEVER LEARNED TO READ!!!!!

/Ravaged by Space Rabbits

spacerabbitsboom

Boom Bitch


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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Shakey is gay.

Just kidding, nice blog.

Comment by samerochocinco

You couldn’t even wait one fucking post to add in something about Space Rabbits.

Comment by Chuck Knoblockhead




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