Style Points


Ask An Old Redneck by Business_Socks
May 14, 2009, 11:00 am
Filed under: Business_Socks | Tags: , , ,
Festus T. Bongwater

Festus T. Bogwater

A recurring feature where Style Points’ resident Old Redneck Festus T. Bogwater answers reader questions.

Dear Festus,

I’ve recently retired.  I spend all my time out on my farm hiding from my wife and kids.  Truthfully, I’d like to go back to work but I don’t know if I should. I’m a gunslinger by nature and it’s hard to let the old career go. Also, I’ll probably go to a rival organization and will be subject to a lot of bad press.  That being said, I’m losing my mind sitting on this lawnmower.  What should I do?

Hesitant in Hattiesburg

Dear Hesitant,

Gunslinger, eh?  You sound less like Gary Cooper in High Noon and more like Don Knotts in The Apple Dumpling Gang.  You should soak your socks in coal oil so ants don’t eat your candy ass.  I swear you remind me of my ex-wife.  “Should I get a perm?  Yes? No?  I can’t decide.  What do you think?”  What do I think?  I think you shit or get off the pot.
Since the words dignity and shame aren’t in your vocabulary, go ahead and un-retire.  Since All In The Family isn’t on TV Land on Sundays I need a good afternoon laugh.  I won’t miss an opportunity to watch you get beat like a mouthy housewife.  So, gird your loins and check your self-respect at the door you phony, self-promoting jackass.  I never thought I’d enjoy watching a bunch of colored boys dog piling a redneck.  Life is indeed a box of chocolates.

Best,
Festus T. Bogwater


Dear Mr. Bogwater,

I play professional football in the Midwest.  I think I’m one of the best receivers in the game.  I’ve recently been accused of being a homosexual.  I was wondering what steps I should take to hide my true inclinations since the town I’m in and the sport I play don’t look fondly on my lifestyle.

Thanks,
Confused in Cleveland

Dear Confused,

First off, don’t brag about your ‘receiving’ skills, Gaylord.  When I was overseas in Korea we had a few ‘undesirables’ in the old platoon.  The first thing we did was make them the point man.  Life expectancy of a point man under combat conditions?  18 minutes.  Since your organization doesn’t have such a clean cut way of disposing of you, I suggest you openly try to bed your coach’s daughter and/or wife.  One, you earn the respect of the other players who surely hate the coach and two, it will probably get you traded to another city that might be more inclined to put up with your unnatural ways.  Hope this helps, fruitbat.

Best,
Festus
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