Style Points

In Remarkable Display of Compassion, John Elway Chooses Not to Disown Loser Son by ClintonPortishead
The Unhappiest Boy in the World

The Unhappiest Boy in the World

Recently, Jack Elway (ASU freshman Quarterback and son of NFL Hall of Famer/Baltimore Colts pariah John) announced he was quitting football. It seemed the minor Elway doesn’t share his father’s love for the game, and had spent his youth more or less going through the motions (other theory: he realized he’d get lots of praise but never actually achieve success without a Terrell Davis Jr. to carry the Sundevils’ load).

It wasn’t a major story or revelation – children of athletes and celebrities flame out all the time, and quitting a football team (while remaining enrolled in the University) is certainly a preferable alternative to drug deals, gunshots, gang rapes, rehab escapes, murder charges, assassination attempts, money laundering or musical theater.

However, one could have expected his father, noted competitor and drunk prick, to browbeat young Jack into submission, right? Or at least kick him out of the family, abandon him in the woods with nothing but a football and a bearskin loin cloth, and tell him not to come home until he had a Vince Lombardi trophy or a Raiders cheerleader in his arms? Wrong.

“He sounds better,” John Elway said, according to the report. “Just talking to him, it’s like the world has been lifted off his shoulders. So I’m happy for him.”

Huh, I didn’t realize being a Football Royalty freshman QB who’s chest-deep in dimwitted poontang at the biggest party school in the Nation equaled having the world on your shoulders. I wonder what Atlas’ 40 time was.

“Obviously, he had the talent to play in college. But it wasn’t in his makeup,” Elway said, according to the Post. “As I told him when we were talking about it, ‘You know, if you don’t love the game of football, it’s too hard. It’s physical and it’s a brutal sport. You have to absolutely love it.’ “

You know, I can think off hand of at least a dozen NFL players who clearly lack a love for the game (Chad Ochocinco, Matt Leinart, the Cleveland Browns) and they all still have a drastically better lot in life than you’re going to find with a Business degree from Suntan University. He may not have an orgasm every time he completes a curl route, but let’s see how much he enjoys interoffice memos, redundant meetings and running copies ’til his fingers bleed.

Oh, he’s never going to have to work a day in his life? Carry on then.

Elway said he got some perspective on his son’s situation from former Denver Broncos quarterback Brian Griese, himself the son of a Hall of Famer…

“Brian was kind of talking from Jack’s point of view and said, ‘John, you know it got tougher for me at college,’ ” Elway said, according to the report. “That kind of put a green light on it for me to look at it from Jack’s perspective.”

You hear that, Jack? You went and broke the universe. Brian Griese is giving advice to John Elway. I’d be less shocked to hear Woody Allen was stealing jokes from Carlos Mencia (who stole them from Dane Cook, who stole them from 1998).

And what does it say about John that to get perspective on his own son’s situation, he needed to rely upon a journeyman QB’s vague generalizations? I wonder if he asks Steve Beurlein about how to handle his ex-wife, or Jake Plummer if he can take a look at a mole on his schlong that he’s been blissfully ignoring for seven years. With such an obviously tight bond, it really is a wonder why Jack would want to escape his old man’s plank-toothed shadow. Go figure.

Seriously though, we here at Style Points wish the young howitzer-armed wash-out nothing but the best for his future. Being a father’s son is often times a young man’s greatest burden (Marvin Gaye, anyone?) and setting his own path is any man’s right. Keep your nose clean Jack, and if you need a little extra perspective on whether you made the right decision, I hear Todd Marinovich is all ears (provided you have a dollar or a smoke).

[USA Today]
[Shutdown Corner]


2 Comments so far
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The larger question is what is on with the scions of Pac-10 royalty bagging on going to Dad’s alma mater, but staying in confernce? Mike Bibby & Luke Walton at Arizona, Jack Elway at Arizona State… The pressure’s really not coming off, even if you’re not on the exact same ground as Dad, kids.

Also: nice play on the Cat. But I prefer this:

Salaam Walaikum!

Comment by Ass Diamonds from Sunny Leone

family counseling is sometimes needed because you cannot solve all your problems ‘.*

Comment by Josiah Russell

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