Style Points


Big Unit Continues to Struggle; Begins Receiving Calls from Alyssa Milano by ClintonPortishead

crapshootchildren

Veteran Randy Johnson gave up 7 earned runs over four innings of work in a loss against the Mets on Saturday, as he remains two wins shy of eclipsing the 300 mark for his career. The 45-year-old surefire Hall of Famer has found little success in his first season with the Giants, and his ERA has ballooned close to seven as he struggles to find his groove in the Bay Area.

It wasn’t all bad news for the 6’10” lefty this weekend though, as he received the following text message from an unknown number about an hour after the game:

Heyy sexii, luvd ur work 2day. Gimme a call the next time ur in LA. ❤ ❤ ❤ – Alyssa

“I couldn’t believe it,” Johnson said when reached for comment. “I mean, I’ve won five Cy Youngs, led the league in strikeouts nine times and pitched a perfect game, and never heard a word from any actresses or celebrities or anyone. Hell I got excited once when Kathy Griffin recognized me at a Sbarro’s. Now I’m playing terribly, and out of nowhere I get this text. At first I figured it was just Bengie Molina playing a joke on me, but I showed the number to Big Z and he confirmed it was her. Unbelievable.”

Johnson only needed one guess as to who the “Alyssa” in question could be – Milano, the brunette beauty of “Who’s the Boss?” and “Charmed” fame has previously been linked to Brad Penny, Carl Pavano, and Johnson’s current teammate, Barry Zito (It has been elsewhere said that she spends more time on Baseball player’s dicks than Valtrex).

Johnson states he is happily married, but admits he’s still probably going to call Ms. Milano back.

“Dude, look at me,” Johnson continued. “I look like Big Bird if he fell into an acid bath. I have to wear a mask when I babysit my sister’s kids or else they’ll be calling the police all night saying their mommy left them with Freddy Krueger. I get a call once a month from the United States Geological Survey requesting to run a study on my face. If I knew a stretch of bad starts was all it would take to get hot celebrities to come callin’ I’d have lost control of my slider ten years ago.”

Ms. Milano refused to comment on this story, but an inside source tells Style Points her eye was first caught when Johnson surrendered 7 runs over 3 2/3rd innings at Dodger stadium in his second start of the season. She was in attendance that night and considered contacting him after the game, but was worried the Cooperstown-bound Unit just had an off outing. As his struggles persisted she kept a watchful eye and was reportedly so wet after watching him implode vs. the Mets that she short-circuited her MLB Extra Innings package.

Giants Manager Bruce Bochy has said he has been made aware of the situation, and continues to monitor it. “Look, we’re counting on Randy a lot this season to shore up our rotation behind Lincecum. I’m not going to cockblock a guy, but the last thing we need is Randy taking a page from Barry.”

“If this keeps up I’m probably just going to mail her some game tape of Francisco Liriano,” Bochy continued. “He’s looked like a young Carl Pavano out there lately.” 

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20 Comments

Hey! You’re using The Rookies’ tactic of using misleading tags that suggest nudity!

Comment by samerochocinco

Why didn’t you mention that RJ got that same exact text from Danny Pintauro?

Comment by karlifornia

Hey Milano, remember that time I twittered mean things to you and you banned me?

Yeah?

Well that was cool.

Comment by Shakεy

[…] Alyssa Milano & Randy Johnson?  Sick.  I think that would be even worse than anything I’ve ever seen with Ron Jeremy.  <stylepointsblog> […]

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