Style Points


Healthy Living with George Karl by ClintonPortishead

As America remains mired in an epidemic of obesity and sedentary lifestyle, Style Points feels we have a civic obligation to tackle the problem head-on and lead a national campaign of health education and awareness. However, this seemed like far too much work, so instead we asked friend-of-the-site and current Denver Nuggets Head Coach/celestial body George Karl to share his tips to a healthier and happier you. (Editorial note: The copy we received from Karl was covered in honey mustard and what appears to be saliva, but we’ve tried to transcribe the best we can).

Tip #1: Where possible, replace your Baconnaise with Mayonnaise

 

I know friends, I know – but no one said this would be easy. This was a tough decision but one I had to make after my 6th heart attack; I knew that if I wanted to avoid coaching on the Big Hardwood in the Sky, I’d have to cut my bacon intake to just McGriddles, BLT sandwiches, scallops wrapped in bacon, chicken fried bacon, bacon creme pies, bacon fat daiquiris, and vanilla ice cream with bacon bit sprinkles. Improving your health is a lot like improving your team – it requires sacrifice and dedication, and maybe a little Chauncey Billups (he’s great about whipping a chest-pass into my head when he sees me overindulging).

I suggest mixing in some bacon bits with your regular mayo with decreasing regularity for the first couple weeks as you try to wean yourself off. Methodone will also work if the cravings are just too large.

Tip #2: Pick up an active hobby/activity that will allow for exercise, like being a Peeping Tom

Nobody likes to exercise, least of all me. I learned a trick from Pat Riley (who used to go running while defecating) that the best way to exercise is to sneak it into something else you already love doing. For me, this was easy – ogling unsuspecting naked chicks.

So, every morning at about 6 am I wake up, put on a track suit and pretend like I’m going for a run. Then I shimmy up the tallest tree in the neighborhood (burn a lot of calories there, it’s a real lumbering oak) and break out my binoculars. I burn even more calories while sweating and attempting to keep my gaze fixed on the busty blonde four doors down with one hand while manipulating my swollen member with the other. Eight minutes of that and the Turducken you polished off for breakfast is good as gone! The beauty of this is that in the event that you’re spotted, or the branch you’ve been mercilessly perched on snaps and gives way, you can burn even more calories during your escape. In fact it’s so good for you that sometimes at the end of practice I make the guys run windsprints with their pants around their ankles and their hands on their johnsons. Birdman Andersen tends to enjoy this a little too much, but I’m pretty sure he’s been to prison.

Tip # 3 – Weigh yourself regularly, and make sure to do it both before and after a bowel movement

Everyone always talks about how much weight they put on, but what about the weight we put out every day? (three to four times depending on the levels of humidity and General Tso’s intake). I’ve found weighing yourself both before and after a bowel movement to be particularly satisfying in that it serves for a barometer for your next meal – as long as what you’re planning to consume is less than 90% the mass of what you’ve just expelled, then you’re losing weight!

However, this did lead to an embarrassing experience once where I mistakenly believed I could eat 46 pounds of ice cream cake and come out on top. It turns out that my pre-dump weigh-in was skewed because in addition to the fecal mountain I was at the time suppressing, I also had a small toddler tucked under my left breast. Apparently at about the same time I was leveling my load, he scampered off in search of candied treats and oxygen. Unfortunately, he was confused and disoriented from his week-long ordeal as a prisoner of my paunch, and bolted straight into oncoming traffic.  Lord knows how I picked him up in the first place, but we are dedicating the Western Conference Finals to his memory, which should really be enough. Let it be a helpful tip to you though – never ignore what feels like a second heart beating inside your chest, because it most often is.

With these helpful tips and a little hard work, I know that you too can soon be a paragon of good health like myself. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment at the Emergency Room for my yearly shocks and struts replacement procedure. See you in the Finals! 

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3 Comments so far
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I feel for you on the mlddie school retreat. That’ll be rough. We should make wagers on whether or not you’ll get any sleep.

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