Style Points

NBA Benchwarmer Mark Madsen Struggling To Gain Twitter Following by Shakεy

Thirty three year old NBA journeyman Power Forward Mark Madsen would love to share his thoughts via the newfangled social networking device Twitter. Unfortunately for the 6’9″ big man out of Stanford University, nobody wants to follow him. ‘MaddogMadsen‘ is twittering into a vacuum of despair.

“I’ve twittered my heart out but nobody seems to listen,” says Madsen. “I have like 14 followers. I look over at Shaq and the Diesel has got 999,373 in his pocket. I keep leaving him texts asking for a plug, but he’s been ignoring me. We went to Dairy Queen every Wednesday night back in ’02. It’s just frustrating, man. Doesn’t anyone want to know my feelings about John Denver!?”

Twitter, the social networking device that has swept the nation, caters to the celebrity audience as it provides the opportunity for fan interaction and a chance for the working man to catch a glimmer into the everyday life of a star. It can also act as an ego boost for the fallen famous, as they can find solace in the fact that their washed up selves are still loved by at least a couple thousand souls. Unfortunately for Madsen, this grasp at self esteem seems to have backfired.

“Even BORING people have had astounding success,” says Madsen. “Look at Ashton Kutcher. Fiberglass insulation has more personality than that guy. Yesterday I tweeted ‘Today is a good day for pie’. That’s funny right? Punch me in the f—— face if that isn’t funny.”

His wife Martha is worried most of all.

“He’s been pretty down and out about this twitter business,” says Martha Madsen. “Just this morning he refused to join my mother and his great aunt for our weekly game of bridge. He was muttering something about ‘auditioning for Saturday Night Live’, ‘Porking a potbelly pig’ and ‘mooning a short bus’. It’s like high school all over again. He’s begging for popularity. I read somewhere that you can buy twitter followers. This might have to happen. Don’t tell him though.”

The website promises to offer various packages that guarantee hundreds or even thousands of real followers that will read your updates and even ‘visit your website’ or possibly ‘buy your products’.

“I’m hoping this obsession with twitter ends soon. An idea I had was to convince him that Twitter was broken and only Thomas Edison could fix it. I know it’s a retarded idea, but you don’t know Mark. He’ll fall for it,” laughs Martha Madsen.

“I had to convince him just yesterday after watching Shrek that Eddie Murphy had not in fact been turned into a midget donkey,” sighs his ten year old daughter Lindsay. “Mommy says he wanted to name me Megatron.”

His teammates understand why Madsen can’t seem to find a following.

“He got 14 followers? Damn boy!” said Minnesota Timberwolves point guard Sebastian Telfair. “I can tell you why. That nigga BORING. I once broke a Puerto Rican’s arm for sweatpants money. He ever do that?!? No. [Teammate Ronald] Carney force fed Al Jefferson an Owl baby last Christmas! ”

Evidence proves Telfair’s statement true. Just today Madsen twittered, “I could listen to Pure Prairie League for eternity!”

“All he does is talk about classical music and house elves,” says teammate Brian Cardinal. “One weekend he spent two hours explaining to me the proper use of the conjunctive. He spends his weekends concocting synonyms for the word happy and talking to his pet hamster, Mr. Bojangles.”

While the rest of the celebrity world is aflutter with Twitter mania, the Madsen household has a dark cloud of despair lingering over it. The boring big man has come to the realization that he will never have the following of Dwight Howard or even Suns coach Alvin Gentry, the proud shepherd of almost 4,000 followers. He will never exchange a witty @ conversation with C-List douche celebrities like Jimmy Fallon, or boast of his badminton successes to thousands of revering normal people.

“Maybe I can try Friendster,” says Madsen. “I hear they have a strong Midwestern white man vibe.”


5 Comments so far
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Bassy Telfair is Totally Awesome

Comment by JohnnyDakotaStateU

Jeremy: There’s saevrel boat launches that I use, mostly it’s the public launch over on Misery Point, near Miami Beach in Seabeck. The other one is Salisbury Point just north of the Hood Canal Bridge. Just depends on where you want to go crabbing….

Comment by Bhupinder

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Comment by oaadaldutg

i love the Bazooka of Megatron, i don’t understand why they did not include it on the movie ;*-

Comment by Surrogate Mother

I agree with your NBA Benchwarmer Mark Madsen Struggling To Gain Twitter Following Style Points, wonderful post.

Comment by invest liberty reserve

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