Style Points

Weekly Power Poll: Wrestlers Turned Hoopsters by Business_Socks

This week it came to light that the Pepsi Center in Denver is double booked for game 4 of the Western Conference Finals.  The competing event is a WWE event.  With no easy answers in sight we here at Style Points burned the midnight oil (and sensimilla) and found a compromise.  We’ll find 5 old school wrestlers apiece to suit up for the Lakers and Nuggets.  We still get the game and Vince McMahon gets his exposure (and his Guatemalan toddler as per his venue rider).

10. Junkyard Dog  (Lakers) – He’s a perfect fit for LA because they are as soft as Jack Nicholson’s penis pavillion (stomach).  Yes, he’s dead but if you’re going to be a stickler about whether or not these old school wrestlers are alive then I’m not going to be able to write this fucking thing so shut up Mean Gene Okerlund.

9. Koko B. Ware (Nuggets) – I like him with the Nuggets for a lot of reasons.  The main one was it would be foolish to have a guy with a parrot and not put him on a team with “The Birdman.”

8. Randy “Macho Man” Savage (Lakers) – Where to start?  Tan that makes him look like an old leather saddlebag?  Check.  Classic frizzy hairstyle that makes it look like an orangutang is trying to passionately perform monkey sex in the back of your neck?  Check.  Corny wraparound shades that you wear indoors and out?  Of course.  Now, did I just describe the Macho Man or every jackass on Venice Beach?

7. Jake “The Snake” Roberts (Nuggets) – It’s well known that The Snake has been battling some demons (crack) and I’m figuring The Birdman could be his sponsor.  Also, we’d get to debate the Python vs. Black Mamba matchup.  Goddamn, I’m a genius.

6. The Undertaker (Lakers) – If you’re going to have one pasty ass weirdo with a scraggly beard then where’s the harm in having two of those guys?  Also, he might be the one guy Kobe doesn’t have the balls to stare down after he makes a turnover (visualizing The Undertaker lifting Kobe in the air and choking him.  Sublime.).

5. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake (Nuggets) – I include him only because I’d want him to cut Gasol’s hair after the game.  Plus, a Denver-area surgeon may need to borrow his shears to perform George Karl’s stomach reduction.

4. Tito Santana (Lakers) – Just like David Stern, I’m trying to grow the brand.  Putting the Hispanic guy on the team in Los Angeles is just me taking advantage of the demographics.  That sounds materialistic and empty to you?  My apologies.  Now go choke on your egg whites and chai latte you dickslapping hippie.

3. The Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase (Nuggets) – The team is named after Gold.  It’s really that simple, people.  Plus, he boned my aunt back in the early 80’s (true story).  So there’s that.

2. Ric Flair (Lakers) – He’s a cackling douche who was born to be a Laker.  I’d just love to see Ric and Phil Jackson have a smug-off.  Just a cavalcade of snide, smartass one-liners.  Plus, I think his flowing mane would be a great compliment to the Lakers uniform.

1. Hulk Hogan (Nuggets) – I couldn’t do an old school wrestler list without putting the king daddy of the shrunken testicle gang in it.  Whatta ya gonna do, brother?  When the Nuggets run wild on you?!  (Puts hand to ear, listens intently) 

Nuggets in 7.  Yeah, I said it.  Wanna fight about it?


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