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Ask An Old Redneck Vol. 2 by Business_Socks

festus
It’s time to check in with Festus again.  Let’s see who’s needing a nice dose of anonymous advice.

Dear Mr. Bogwater,

Long time reader, first time writer.  I’ve been struggling at the plate lately.  My power has mysteriously disappeared.  Though last night I connected for my first home run of the year.  What I would like to know is do you think that’s a sign that I’m getting my stroke back or just dumb luck?

Thanks,

Brokedown in Beantown

Yeah, I’ve been following you closely since you play for my favorite team.  What’s that?  You’re surprised a redneck is a big Boston fan?  Can you guess the last team to integrate their roster?  That’s right, Boston.  That’s neither here nor there.  My pappy had a saying.  It’s ‘the sun shines on a dog’s ass every now and then.’  Son, you are a whistling tea kettle right now.  You’re done.  If you were a turkey in the oven, the meat themometer would say 170 degrees.

Seriously,  do you realize all the shit that’s happened between the time of tonight’s homer and your previous homer?  The economy has nearly evaporated, some gal had 8 kids, 14 people died from a sprained ankle, and we elected a darn colored fella president.  By the time you connect again we could have Foghorn Leghorn as Secretary of Defense.  So unless you’re planning on taking gorilla ‘roids your best bet is hanging up the spikes and opening a chain of Jamba Juice stores.  I hear that’s big with those hippie queers.

Dear Festus,

I was recently released from lock-up for a bunch of shit.  Let’s just say that a dog is not always a man’s best friend.  I want to know what you think I should do to get back into pro football.

Peace,

Let Loose from Leavenworth

Fella, I’m surprised you wrote me.  You should’ve known that you’d receive no quarter here.  Most old rednecks love their dogs more than their grandchildren.  But, no one’s ever mistaken you for sharp, have they boy?  You’re as dumb as a box of rocks and as useless as a bag of hammered shit.  Luckily you’ve stashed away all those millions you made in the NFL.  Actually, I’ve just been informed that you’re currently going through a bankruptcy.  So now you’re moral and financially bankrupt?  When I was in Da Nang those slope gals tried to teach me about karma and Buddha and all that but all I could think about was tannin’ their yella backsides without catching the Bull Head Clap.  I understand it so clearly now.  You are justifiably fucked.  And I couldn’t be happier.

Dear FTB,

Love the column.  I’ve been dying to know; how the hell does an old redneck know how to work a computer much less how to format HTML?

Regards,

Saberhagendaaz

guerraFirst off, the fuck kind of name is that?  Second, my grandson is a pillow-biting fairy that knows his way around a keyboard almost as well as he knows his way around a man’s foreskin.  The Senior Center here in town encouraged me to find a common ground with him and this was his bright idea.  So, you can thank Thad, my limp-wristed, scarf wearing descendent for the column.  God bless his unnatural ways.  He can’t find reverse on my Kubota tractor but he can teach you how to hide them Vida Guerra pics from grandma.  So it’s not all bad.  Hope this answers your question, fruitcake.

See you fellas next week.

Best,

Festus T. Bogwater

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