Style Points


Style Points Poll: How Will Lane Kiffin Get in Trouble Next? by ClintonPortishead
Kiffin explains the more delicate intricacies of recruiting violations

Kiffin explains the more delicate intricacies of recruiting violations

Former Al Davis whipping boy/blood jockey Lane Kiffin has already run afoul of the NCAA several times in his short time as head coach of the University of Tennessee, prompting many to wonder if the fair-haired lady-killer is in over his head. His various rules infractions so far have included unauthorized career advice, ill-advised follow-up calls, calling the kettle black, illegal use of a fog machine, practicing medicine without a license, and most recently, oversharing on Twitter (redundant).

As we make a living on being one step ahead of the game, Style Points now looks to the future and prognosticates the precocious coach’s next avenue of fuck-up.

1. Sexting

According to various news outlets, “sexting” is all the rage among today’s youth. When I was in high school, we drew naked doodles of our classmates on our biology notes, and we liked it. Seeing actual genitals took years of hard work, emotional charades, and strategically placed malt liquor. Nevertheless, if high school kids are doing it, you can believe college coaches know about it and are soon to follow. This will become even more likely if Kiffin hires Sean Salisbury as an assistant coach/cock pic coordinator.

2. Illegal Contact via Carrier Pigeon

As coaches exhaust their technological know-how with MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, and AOL Chat Rooms (The SEC typically being a decade behind the rest of America), the most forward-thinking will actually go backwards, and embrace the communication processes of the past. After a telegraph proves too difficult to use, Kiffin will attach his phone number to the leg of any wayward bird he finds, and release them in search of 6’3” linebackers with 4.5 speed. Tennessee will be forced to self-report after the bird instead makes a nest in Pat Summitt’s hair.

3. An Indecent Proposal

The first rule of recruiting is to utilize anything and everything you may have to your advantage, and Kiffin’s main advantage (in life) is his smoking hot wife. If Woody Harrelson can offer up one night with Demi Moore to Robert Redford for a million dollars, you better believe Lane is capable of doing the same with Layla and Joe Montana’s kid. The cover will be blown when he inexplicably commits to Tennessee and Lane never looks at him in the eye again. Rocky Top, indeed.

4. Billboard on Peyton Manning’s Forehead

Struggling to gain positive press, Kiffin will turn to two-time NFL MVP and former Vols Big Man on Campus Peyton Manning to help turn public perception around. The 10’ x 10’ advertisement will initially be effective, but UT will once again be forced to self-report as NCAA officials across the country observe the illegal ManningBoard on NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox, PBS, The Discovery Channel, Cinemax 1 through 5, VH1 Classic and Telemundo. Eli will continue to serve as a UT commercial by demonstrating the perils of an Ole Miss education every time he opens his mouth.

So there you have it. Which of these four options will be Lane’s next misstep? Place your vote below.

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3 Comments so far
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Is that photo of Pat Summit from her audition for the Knoxville Lesbian Community Theatre Production of Invasion of the Body Snatchers?

Comment by w.k. kortas

Leiberman's not ralley in play. His loyalty to the Dems has been proven over and over again — he will oppose them when he thinks they're dead wrong, but he will not leave them, even when they try to shoo him away by beating him with a stick.Nelson, on the other hand … switching to GOP is about the ONLY thing that could help him get re-elected at this point. That, or the full frontal mea culpa in public as regards his ObamaCare vote.Current House/Senate seat-flip over/under is now +GOP 48/7, and your friendly neighborhood political bookie will most happily sell you the under in either house of Congress, while being most reluctant to sell you the over. Hitting the "push" would give the GOP a majority of 226 to 209 in the House, and a filibuster-sustaining-even-with-Snowe-and-Collins-and-Brown 48 seats in the Senate. In the House, well, of the 35 seats that look like toss-ups and aren't already leaning strongly GOP in the polling, only ONE is currently GOP. There are only about 4 GOP seats ralley in play for potential switching, but 65 or more Dem seats in serious play — or already lost. In the Senate, the GOP is pretty certain of picking up at least three seats before toss-ups are considered, bringing them to 44. Of the seven seats in the toss-up category right now, six are DEM seats and the other is the Rubio/Crist race, where even if Crist wins he'll caucus GOP. So the GOP can reasonably expect to get to at least 47 seats anyway.The GOP could well match or exceed the 1994 switch numbers of 54/8 this cycle.

Comment by Catriona

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